On-The-Fly Crab Cakes

Late one night, I was hungry and rummaging around for something to eat. I pulled out a few things from the pantry, and soon I had eight crispy little crab cakes sitting on a plate in front of me, and I was utterly amazed. Go ahead, poke fun at me, yes, I fuck around in the kitchen late at night. Yes, I somehow had crab meat. Yes, I have no friends. Sniff.

Crab meat is one of the gastronomical gifts from the heavens to us measly little people -- it's tender, slightly sweet, and it just falls apart in your mouth. Good crab cakes are ridiculously easy to make, and they don't take much by way of ingredients. They are great appetizers, and the whole process isn't very time consuming. The little cakes are easily scalable, customizable, and in the end, they are always fantastic. As long as your ass doesn't fuck them up.

Necessary Ingredients:

6 oz. crab meat, per batch (lump or canned meat)

Saltines (Yes, saltines! I'll explain momentarily)

Mayonnaise

One whole egg

Cooking oil of your choice, I like Extra Virgin Olive Oil or Canola

Salt and Pepper

Flavoring/Optional Ingredients:

Finely minced red onions or shallots

Finely minced garlic

Coarsely chopped scallions

Finely minced bell peppers, any kind

Finely minced celery

Old Bay Seasoning

Ground Horseradish

Fresh/Dry thyme, parsley, paprika, celery salt, chili pepper, curry powder (whatever dry spices you love)

Anything else -- you get the idea now, right?

Start by grabbing a big mixing bowl; toss the crab meat in. Crush a handful of saltines into the crab mix, they don't have to be pulverized -- lumps are actually preferred because it gives a good texture to the cakes. Saltines actually hold the crab cakes together and give them body and a bit of starch. Toss in an egg and about a tablespoon full of mayonnaise, as well as all the flavoring ingredients you'd like. Onions, garlic, parsley, whatever your heart (stomach) desires.

Now it's time to get messy. But don't get too sloppy, you assclown, the goal is to get the food in your belly eventually, not on the counter or the floor. Take your freshly washed hands (dirty bitch) and form small patties out of the mixture and set them aside. Make them relatively small (or just thin) so they can get heated through fully when you cook them.

Heat up a skillet with some oil to medium-high heat. Fry up some of the patties, a few at a time, till they are nice and brown on both sides. Drain on paper towels, and serve with any sauce of your choice.

A simple quick sauce: mix mayonnaise, spicy brown mustard, paprika, black pepper, and honey.

Now you're probably jealous that you don't have midnight snacks with me. But I'm a douchebag anyway, you're not missing jack shit.