Simple Mozzarella and Tomato Salad

This one is really simple. A monkey can make this one and not fuck it up. A very smart monkey, that is trying to impress friends, that is. How'd that monkey get in the house anyway? And what in the hell is it doing in the kitchen, brandishing a knife?!

Fresh Mozzarella Cheese

2 or 3 ripe tomatoes

Small handful of basil

1 medium/large clove garlic

1/3 red onion (small to medium sized onion)

Balsamic Vinegar

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Salt and Black Pepper

Breadsticks of your choice, or Toasted Baguette pieces

Prosciutto

Make small cubes out of the mozzarella and tomatoes and toss that into a big bowl. Mince the red onion and put that into the bowl too. Chop the crap out of the garlic (read: mince finely) so it'll distribute better -- a raw bite of garlic can be a nasty-ass surprise if you're not prepared for it. What the fuck, might as well chop up that basil into small bits and throw it in as well.

This is a no-cook recipe. In fact, if you fuck this one up, I'll personally come over and slap you. Actually, I probably won't slap you because I'm a small mischevious fellow and slapping isn't in my repertoire of bad-ass things to do, but I'll probably find something sneaky. Maybe I'll fart on your head while you're sleeping.

Pour a little bit of balsamic vinegar into the bowl. Nice balsamic is sweet and subtle. The cheap crap is just really really sweet and cloying, so keep that in mind. You'll probably end up using like a quarter cup or so but be careful because if you pour too much, you can't take it back out easily. Add as much olive oil (or as little) as you like, throw in a dash of salt and a generous helping of black pepper, and mix it all up. Cover it with plastic wrap and shove it into the fridge till its cold. If it sits overnight it might get gross so its better to make this like maybe an hour before you serve it.

You can give people small dishes and have them scoop this on to their own plates. If you want to look extra smart, wrap some prosciutto strips around your breadsticks/baguette pieces and people can eat the bread and prosciutto as they go along, and have a few bites of this salad. Prosciutto will make everything you ever make taste super delicious. I eat it on ice cream. Just kidding...or am I?

Oh, and a good variation is just to cut wheels out of everything (tomatoes, onions, cheese) and stack them. Start with a slice of tomato, thin slice of red onion, sprinkle a tiny bit of garlic on there, some chopped or whole basil, and top it with the cheese, salt, pepper, etc. Drizzle the oil and vinegar on top and chill before serving. Its easy to serve because people can take one or two stacks and fill their pieholes however they want. Be creative, and it'll be delicious.